How To
Stop Enabling Your Adult Children

Practical
steps to use boundaries and get your power back as you stop enabling

Introduction

This
is the first step to getting your power back and feeling in control
of your life and decisions again. There is a lot of great help out
there in this area of enabling adult children. The aim of this book
is to give you a very practical and accessible start to the process.

The
key to change is understanding the mis-beliefs that are creating the
current situation, and then having the practical ‘How To’s’
that will empower you to challenge those mis-beliefs. As they are
challenged we put in place new boundaries and strategies to stop
enabling, and change can then occur. For someone who is stuck in the
perpetual cycle of enabling and rescuing, this is an amazingly
freeing process. You will feel empowered as you get your life back!

Understanding
and implementing your new boundaries will be a gradual process. It
will take time to feel that saying ‘no’ is not cruel. However,
this is essential in order for your adult child to individuate and to
take responsibility for themselves. You must stop rescuing them from
consequences!

As
your adult child individuates, it will be possible to lay a
foundation for a new relationship with them that is more fulfilling
and equal as you both take on the role of adult. Discover the wealth
of shared experience that exists in sharing a mature and empathetic
relationship with your adult child, instead of continually replaying
the roles of parent / child for the rest of your life.

Welcome
to this very practical introduction to understanding why you are
enabling your adult children, and how you can be empowered to stop.

Melody
Devonish

Table
of Contents

Chapter
1 – Understanding the Enabler or Rescuer

Chapter
2 – How the Enabling Cycle Continues and Grows

Chapter
3 – Boundaries Are Your Friend! – Dignified Assertiveness

Chapter
4 – The Importance of Individuation

Chapter
5 – ‘It’s Not Cruel to Say No!’- Changing Your Thinking
(Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)

Chapter
6 – Practical Steps For Putting Your New Thinking and Boundaries
Into Action!

Conclusion

References

©
Copyright
2015 by M Devonish / G Crawford – All rights reserved

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be
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For permission, direct requests to the publisher.

Distribution
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and therefore punishable by law.

How
To Stop Enabling Your Adult Children: Practical steps to use
boundaries and get your power back as you stop enabling ©
2015

All
rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any
manner without written permission by the author.

Chapter
1 – Understanding the Enabler or Rescuer

As
a new father or a mother, it is impossible to think of the day when
this precious little bundle of joy would be old enough to think and
act, let alone old enough not to need your assistance anymore. Every
new parent is awed by the fact that the little baby they hold in
their arms, a little person who is not yet capable of feeding on its
own and who needs to be burped, cleaned, bathed and kept warm, will
one day be old enough to know its' own mind.

Even
when they are toddlers and infants, afraid of their own shadow and
everything else in this big, scary world – it’s ‘mummy’ and
‘daddy’ that they run to for comfort. ‘Mom, I’m hungry!’
‘Mom, I need you!’ ‘Dad, I’m scared!’ ‘Help me, mommy!’
‘Dad, help me get the Boogeyman out of my room!’. These precious
cries change in theme as they enter puberty. However, even then, it
is you that they turn to with the words ‘help’ and ‘need’.
Although they would often never admit it, children need parents even
more during those times.

So,
when do our children really grow up? When exactly do they stop being
children and become a citizen of this world? When they are legally an
adult, or when they’re old enough to vote? When they leave for
college, leaving an empty room behind them that slowly gathers dust,
only to be returned to during the holidays? When they get a job and
move to another city, and you only get to see them through Skype or
during Christmas? Or, is it when they get married and have a family
of their own?

So,
when is it exactly that they stop being your daughter or your son?
When do you stop being a parent?

The
answer perhaps is – never! You can never stop being a parent, no
matter what, not even for a second. Even if your son or daughter is
grown up and has grandchildren of their own, they are still your
children. However as they grow up, it is ideal for your relationship
if they can individuate and you can all re-define your relationships
as adults. Although you are still the parent/child, you no longer
treat each other (or think of each other) in the way that you did
when the child was 16 years old.

This
doesn’t mean that you are no longer their parent. You are the
parent when you snap the first photo of them learning to walk, when
their hearts get broken the first time in high school, when they are
confused about which major to choose in college, or when they are
trying to decide their career. You are the parent when they bring
‘the one’ home to meet you, and when they are themselves coping
with a new baby in their lives. Through thick and thin in their
lives, between friends, dates and great loves, you are the parents.

However
children leave home, and for the first time in years the nest is
empty. This is the first time when all the children have completely
left home - either to college, for work, or to their marital homes.

At
least this is what ideally happens. Sometimes it doesn’t happen,
for various reasons, some more valid than others. If this break
doesn’t happen because of enabling, then your relationship with
your child may have slipped into a place that is unhealthy for both
of you. We will cover this topic soon.

However,
ideally your children find their way out into the big wide world, and
they leave your home. This is an incredibly important time for you
and your partner. This is the time that couples can be completely
alone with each other again. Even if your children mean the whole
world to you, you should never forget that you are an individual
first, and also a couple. Parents tend to lose themselves completely
in their children, forgetting their true selves and their
relationships with each other while caring for children.

Yes,
this is a time to be sad when the children are grown up and don’t
need you anymore. However it is also the time to rejoice, to catch up
with your partner and rekindle the old fire. This is the time to
travel the world, let romance and sex into your lives once more and
enjoy your time together.

However,
that is not always the case. We all know of some not-so-normal cases
where the children, even after they are working adults, and sometimes
even married – are keen to live with their parents, at their
parent’s home. And by the not-normal cases, we mean when the
children are able-bodied, healthy and capable of living on their own.
In some situations and cultures it is completely healthy and balanced
for this to happen. However this book applies to those situations
when it is not healthy for those involved, and can actually become
incredibly destructive.

In
some cases, the children may be living apart in their own houses or
apartments, but may still be dependent on the parents for financial
support, help with chores, advice, food and medical attention.

In
more extreme situations parents are expected to take responsibility
for an adult childs’ drug addiction, or to continually bail them
out from run-ins with the law. An adult child may cause their
parents’ extreme debt and financial instability as they make
continuously bad choices and expect their parents to rescue them…and
the parents do! Over and over again. There are also many cases of
adult children abdicating responsibility of their own children to the
grandparents. This is not simply baby-sitting; it is a true
abandonment and handing-over of their children on a regular basis.
These situations often occur without warning and are truly
manipulative, as there are grandchildren involved who the
grandparents deeply love.

In
each of these cases, we have two parties: the adult children who are
opting to live in their parent’s houses and/or take advantage of
them, and the parents who are either encouraging or not discouraging
this behaviour. Let us call these parents the enablers
or the rescuers.

HELPING SOMEONE OUT IS NOT ENABLING
(OR RESCUING). EVERYONE NEEDS HELP SOMETIMES AND THAT’S OKAY.
ENABLING IS DOING FOR SOMEONE ELSE WHAT HE OR SHE CAN AND SHOULD BE
DOING FOR THEMSELVES.

Parents
are rescuers at heart. Parents are programmed to rescue their
children from everything; from when they are young and afraid of a
barking dog, or a teenager afraid of a failing grade, to when they
are an adult afraid of a demotion of getting fired at work. We as
parents are always there to help with any problem our children find
themselves in.

Let’s
be frank with ourselves for a moment and ask, 'do my children still
need me to do the things I do for them?'. Yes, when they were
younger, parents have to do everything for their children; because
the children literally can’t do anything. But as they grow older
and more responsible, children should take up some of the chores
around the house. This could be the simplest of chores such as
cleaning up after themselves, tidying their toys and books, setting
the table, or doing the beds.

Letting
your children learn to work and look after themselves is the healthy
choice. However, some parents make it a habit to look after their
children so much that the children become completely incapable of
being independent or looking after themselves. They are the children
who later on, after growing up, never leave their parent’s house
but prefer to stay financially and socially dependent on their
parents.

There
are various reasons a parent may start this habit of looking after
their children too much. However the point is that it did start; that
as the parents you began to enable your child when they were young,
and so they learnt to play the role of the enabled child. You have
both learnt your roles in this relationship, and they need to change.

You
may have felt cruel whenever you said 'no'
to your child, and so you didn’t say no. Consequently your child
never
learnt how to deal with disappointment.
Therefore
they don’t know how to deal with it when you or someone else now
tries to say no to them. Your child may be an adult now, but they
still can’t cope with disappointment, as they never learnt. To
them it is truly intolerable, and may even make them feel rejected.

Saying
no when it is the appropriate answer is obviously not rejection,
however your adult child may need to be re-trained in this. You may
have a weekend away all booked and paid for… and they ask you to
baby-sit so they can go to a party. 'No' is obviously an acceptable
answer; you already have plans and they probably have other people
they can ask. However their reaction is certainly not reasonable. In
fact it can reflect the reaction they had when you said they couldn’t
tear the pages of a book when they were six years old.

Let
me guess, you gave in and let them tear the pages? That’s why they
expect you to give in now. They have been trained to expect you to
enable them and give in.

Are you wondering how this
happened? When did you become an enabler or a rescuer to your
grown-up, adult children? Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

Chapter
2 – How the Enabling Cycle Continues and Grows

Congratulations!
You have just had a new daughter or son, and you are feeling like
two of the happiest people in the world,
and rightly so. Becoming a parent is one of the most amazing things
that can happen to a person, and
the joy that a baby brings to a family is immeasurable.

But now
begins the hard part. The baby needs to be breastfed and bottle-fed,
cleaned and diapered, bathed and clothed, burped and lullaby-ed, and
it is entirely the parents’ responsibility.

If you think
your responsibilities will lessen once the child is slightly older,
you are sadly mistaken. As children begin to walk and run, it is the
parents’ job to run right behind them, protecting them from bumping
their heads and picking them up when they fall.

When they
finally reach school-going age, it is the perfect time for you to get
them started on simple chores around the house. However, kids this
age have agendas of their own, and start to have their own
priorities. Trying to make them do the simplest of tasks takes up a
lot more time than to actually do the job yourself. Therefore,
instead of asking them and teaching them, parents often end up simply
completing the task themselves. And so the children, at a very early
age, understand that if they manage to ignore a chore for a certain
period of time, their parents will end up completing it, and they
won’t have to leave their games.

Thus, the
seeds of entitlement are sown. This is dangerous territory for
parents, as it is where the mind-set of your child is being
developed. Mind-set is key here, as is it where behaviour stems
from. The mind-set they are developing in these earlier stages will
stick with them later.

As they
continue growing, getting them to do chores around the house becomes
even more difficult. They mature and they begin to grow a life
outside the house, filled with new friends, sports and teen
obsessions. If they have not been taught to take responsibility for
themselves and their chores, then why would they interrupt their
lives to do it? Many parents (after screaming, bribing, threatening
and asking) resign and complete the tasks themselves. Young adults
who are completely capable of doing a number of tasks on their own
never do any of them, because they have their parents as a backup.

Requests can
start to sound dangerously like orders; “Mom, why isn’t the
laundry done?” “Dad, is my lunch ready?”, and yet they are
completely capable of doing each and every one of these tasks
themselves.

By this time,
if the parents are weary of the fact that their children do
absolutely nothing to help in the house, it is almost too late. These
children have learned from a very young age that if they leave a task
undone for some time, Mom and Dad are going to: a) ask them to do it,
b) ask them again, c) scream at them once or twice to do it, and
then, d) do it themselves. Easy way out!

And soon
mommy and daddy will find that they are the only ones who are doing
absolutely all the work in the house: the cooking, the cleaning, the
laundry, the mowing, cleaning the children’s rooms, making them
breakfast, lunch and dinners, cleaning up after them, and everything
else - while the children sit around watching TV and sipping
lemonade.

When they are
accepted to the college or university of their choice and are finally
out of the house for good, things are going to change right? Quite
unlikely! By this time, your children are so dependent on you that
the requests/demands won’t stop, even from a distance. This time,
the queries will be of a different pattern: “Mom, did you pack my
blue sweatshirt?” “Mom, you didn’t pack my tennis shoes; I need
them here!” “Mom, I think I left my mobile charger back at my
room. Can you please have it sent to me?”.

The
demands from your maturing child may fall into the range of requests
that are draining but in themselves harmless. Or they may fall into
the category of more serious demands, as they continue to act in the
entitled manner they are accustomed to, while still expecting to
never have to suffer the consequences. In fact, it never OCCURS to
them that they would have to suffer consequences, as they have never
had to before. Why would that change now?

Your
child is caught selling marijuana, and you do everything in your
power to cover it up and help your poor misunderstood college student
to ‘get back to their studies’. Your son or daughter continually
max out their credit card, buying more and more things that they
‘need’, and entertaining their new college friends on the
weekend. But it would be cruel to let them suffer the consequences
and just be broke for the rest of the month right? So you keep
topping up the credit card, even when you and your partner really
can’t afford it. Even if you can afford it, by letting them
continually break their work and avoid repercussions, you are simply
re-affirming the message that consequences are for other people, not
them. They can have this entitled attitude, because you will help
them get away with it, and even support it.

After they
graduate this won’t stop. There is a chance that your graduate son
or daughter would find it too hard to get an apartment by themselves
in the city, and opt to live with you ‘for the time being’. They
are always tired from work, or from partying and still have no time
to help you with the cooking or the cleaning. But can you please make
them their favorite ‘Mac and Cheese’ this Sunday? “Can you
please iron my good suit, Mom? I have a presentation this week!”,
and we are back to the beginning. “Mom, where’s my strappy blue
sandal?” “Have you seen this huge file I brought home last week?”
“Can I borrow your tie, Dad? And your shoes? And the watch? I have
an interview”.

Do you see
the pattern yet?

Poor
you! You have always dreamed of a Europe trip with your partner, but
now it seems quite impossible! Who would make Junior’s dinner? How
would he ever find clean clothes if you are not there to do the
laundry? The house would be in shambles if you guys leave for a
month! Who would clean? And dust, and vacuum? Certainly not Junior,
he has no idea how to use the oven!

Your
adult child’s thinking has not changed since he/she was small and
refused to do chores, or demanded the expensive birthday present that
was never even used. Their
thinking is just the same, and the roles you are all playing haven’t
changed.

So
why would their behaviour change?

You
may still be thinking, “It’s just for a few more months! He will
move out soon”. Perhaps he will, but he will always be dependent on
you and your partner, at least for a long time. Even if they do get
an apartment for themselves, rest assured, there will still be piles
of laundry dropped in, and they will themselves be dropping by
several times during the week for dinner because they 'missed your
cooking' (try ‘didn’t feel like cooking’).

And
that is still not the end. You and your partner will be the first
choice when they need a babysitter, when they need a loan, when they
need somebody to moan to, somebody to point their fingers at, and
somebody to fall back on.

“There’s
this show that we have tickets for this Sunday, mom. We’ll be
dropping the kids at your place at 7.00.”

“What
do you mean you have plans with Uncle Eddy? Surely they are not that
important? Why don’t you un-invite him and do it again next week?”

“You
know how the kids love spending time with you guys! They miss you
so!”

Just a
son or a daughter depending on their parents? Or, straight emotional
blackmailing?

What is going on here that needs to change? WHY is this cycle
happening?

It’s all about mind-set. How we
think creates our reality.

The
Greek author Plutarch said:

“What
we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.”

This is so true; the mind is a powerful tool.
The mind interprets and creates the reality we live in. This
interpretation all stems from the beliefs that we hold. These
beliefs may be good and helpful or they may be harmful, either way
they will influence how we travel through life.

In
the area of enabling, there are often some harmful beliefs about
being cruel, or ‘needing to be needed’ that drive the enabler.
If the enabling is being driven in this way then it is no longer a
case of ‘just stopping’. If you could just stop, you would. You
know that enabling is bad for your child, and it obviously has
negative repercussions in your life too.

So
why can’t you just stop?

Your
logic knows that this is not working for you, and yet you continue
repeating the same pattern over and over. The reason for this is
your deep programming. This programming is sub-conscious, and
‘over-rides’ your conscious attempts to use will-power to change.

You
think to yourself, “next time my son/daughter makes another
completely unrealistic request of me (‘borrowing’ money / endless
child-care etc), then I will simply say 'no'. I will say that we
can’t afford it, or that we aren’t able to take time off work
AGAIN to look after your children for a few weeks, or we simply don’t
have the time and energy to fly to another city to help you move
house again”.

However,
when the phone call comes, and the discussion starts, things change.
The guilt starts to flood in as your beloved son/daughter starts to
‘explain’. Your logic may even be telling you that they are
manipulating you, that even though there are elements of truth in
their struggle, he/she is an adult and needs to take responsibility
for his/her life. However, your deeper subconscious over-rides this
spunky spark of logic, and the guilt prevails.

You
will now do anything to avoid this feeling of guilt or cruelty that
is clawing away at your insides. This feeling is tapping at the
door, trying to come in, and you KNOW that you can’t stand it.
It’s intolerable. So to avoid this feeling you say, “of course
we can help you move…this one last time”…or, “yes you can
borrow that money”…or, “you know that we love to baby-sit. Yes
two or three weeks is a long time, but since you are in such a
difficult situation…”.

And
magically that awful feeling evaporates. We don’t have to confront
that intolerable feeling that was tapping away, threatening to come
in and upset us. The guilt departs. We may even feel a bit saintly
in our victim-hood.

Do
you see how this cycle will keep repeating itself? Not only is the
adult child rescued from the consequences of life, but the resentment
that the parents feel will only grow, as more and more unhealthy
pressure is put on both their relationship with each other and with
their adult children.

Cognitive
Behavioural Therapy (CBT) calls this an Intolerable Feeling (Edelman,
2006).

This
cycle can be challenged, and change can happen. It is a VERY
empowering process. Getting your power back in your life, and
feeling the freedom of being in control of your decisions is an
amazingly freeing process. It does however take work, and it will be
uncomfortable at first. After all, change is rarely easy.

However the alternative is that
things stay the same, and if you wanted things to just stay the same
I very much doubt that you would have bought this book.

Later in the book we will get
further into the process of changing your enabling actions by
adapting your thinking in this area, and learning how you can do
this.

Chapter
3 – Boundaries Are Your Friend! – Dignified Assertiveness

Your
children are one of the most important parts (if not the most
important part) of your life. Parents would give their lives for
their children without a second thought, and there is no one else in
this world that a parent loves more than their own flesh and blood.

But
that doesn’t mean you have to spend your entire life picking after
them and rescuing them from consequences. For your own sanity, and
for their sake, your priority in life must be nurturing your children
in such a way that they grow up to be confident, independent,
beautiful human beings, and not just a bewildered, shriveling person
who doesn’t know what to do with him or her-self.

For your
children’s sake, you need to set some strict boundaries around
yourselves. Whether you have adult children living with you, or your
40-year-old son is still completely dependent on you financially,
there are a few boundaries that you as parents need to put in place
and maintain.

If you
reflect on your situation and realize that you are being taken
advantage of, and you are enabling, then it is likely that the
boundaries you have tried to put in place are being constantly
over-run. If this is the case, then it is time to learn some
dignified assertiveness.

Here are
some boundaries that you can start with. These are very acceptable
expectations to place on an adult child, and would ideally be already
functioning in a parent/adult child relationship. Remember, these
boundaries are NORMAL, HEALTHY and OKAY. You are not asking too much
by requesting that these be respected.

Start
acting like an adult

It
is time to treat them as though you expect them to act like an adult.
When your children have grown up, it is time that they start acting
accordingly. If your son, the college graduate, is still living with
you and showing no signs of applying for a job, but instead spends
his days sleeping and playing video games, that is the time to set up
a boundary. If your daughter is moving from one odd job to another,
and expecting you to repeatedly take her in and financially support
her without warning or negotiation, it is time to act up.

“You
are old enough; you know better. You are a capable, intelligent human
being with a bright future ahead of you. It is time for you to start
settling down in life and chose a path. Be an adult; act your age.”

This
should be your stand: that they are old enough, they are adults; they
should know better. Plenty of children refuse to grow up and become
adults when they are so comfortably settled in their parent’s
lives. You have to remove them from their comfort zone so that they
can take responsibility for themselves and start living their lives.

Keep
your privacy

Whether
your adult children are living with you, or whether they have
separate accommodation, you are entitled to privacy and solitude.
Although they are your children, they must respect your need for
privacy. They cannot just drop by whenever they want and demand your
complete attention. You and your partner may have plans of your own
that don’t concern your children.

Just
because they are your children doesn’t mean that they do not need
to consider your plans. You are entitled to a phone call beforehand
asking for permission so that they can visit.

If
they are living separate, then it is often the case that they have a
set of keys for your house for emergencies. However, having a set of
keys does not mean that they can drop in unannounced and without
knocking. If they know you are home and if it is not an emergency,
they should wait at the door and use the doorbell to gain admittance.

Let
them be financially independent

While
it is okay to lend your son some money to buy a car or even give him
a car as a present, whatever happens to the car is his and his
responsibility alone. If he totals the car and needs to pay the
victim of the accident, or if the car needs repair, you should not be
the one who is paying.

An
expensive designer dress for your college-graduate daughter on her
birthday or Christmas is a one-time thing. If you can afford it, you
should definitely go for it. But if she comes to you every time she
sees a dress or a bag that she just loves, but she is out of her
pocket money, it is not your responsibility to satisfy her whim. She
is old enough to get a job, or to save up for what she needs.

If
your adult child is repeatedly expecting you to pay their seemingly
endless parking or speeding fines, this is not okay! It is fine to
expect them to take responsibility.

If
you go on providing a strong financial support at every turn of their
life, they will never learn.

So,
help your children out, but don’t make it a regular event. Finance
them for their first business idea, but don’t let them expect help
every time they are facing a loss. Putting a $20 bill in their hands
when you know they are in a tight spot is fine, but don’t make a
habit of it; and most importantly, don’t let them make a habit of
it.

In
an example of more extreme cases adult children will be expecting
their parents to financially support a drug habit or gambling
addiction. And the parents will do it! If you have all been trained
enough in your enabling/enabler roles, you as the parents will simply
not be able to say ‘no’…even when you are supporting your
childs' $500-a-week drug habit, and you know it!

Soon
we will look into how this mind-set can be changed. However, first
take hold of the assurance that it is okay and right
to
say no in this area of financial support. This change won’t be
easy, but it is absolutely necessary for all involved.

Not
under my roof!

Your children
may have grown up to be adults, but while they are living under your
roof, they have to follow your rules. This could mean doing their own
laundry, helping out with the cleaning, and even cooking dinner for
the family at least once a week. No matter how old they are, or what
expenses of their own they may have, if they are under your roof they
have to contribute to the expenditures of the house.

“You
cannot be out till 2am at night, and then expect me to wait up with
dinner!” “I'm sorry but it's unreasonable to think it's ok to
spend your entire weekend out or playing on your PC, and not doing
any of the chores” “The agreement is that you do the dishes twice
a week, no matter what important assignment you have to work on!”
“Not under my roof; that is unacceptable!”

If you find
this kind of request impossible, and you feel like you’re ‘walking
on eggshells’ around your house, then it is time to do something!
Repeated and calm dignified assertive statements and boundaries need
to be put in place. These will not necessarily be received well by
your adult child. But it is ESSENTIAL that you stick to your new
boundaries, and keep repeating your stance in a calm and assured
manner.

You have to be strict to some extent. If your children
think they are entitled to live with you, do not let them live
through you. They are old enough to take on their own
responsibilities, even if it is under your roof.

Chapter
4 – The Importance of Individuation

Individuation
is an essential part of our development process. It is the process of
becoming aware of oneself, of becoming an individual and discovering
the totality of Self. This is generally the process we go through as
we’re progressing into adult-hood. Although individuation is an
internal process, it is also encouraged or discouraged by external
factors and messages. Constant enabling and over-the-top protection
of a younger child can stunt their process to individuation when they
are older.

The process
of individuation generally has two aspects: independence and
separation.

From the
first moment that we learned to spoon-feed ourselves, to the moment
we got our first job, our entire life is a journey to become an
individual. We are learning to stop only being someone’s son or
daughter or sibling, and becoming our very own person.

As we grow we
develop opinions: a favourite color, a favourite food, a favourite
dessert, a favourite toy; these are entirely our own. These are the
stepping-stones to becoming our own person; we are still integrally
linked to, but also increasingly individual from, our parents and
everyone else that we know.

It is
important that children have this sense of individuation from a very
early age. Children who have not learned to recognise themselves as
independent human beings from their early childhood, have problems in
thinking of themselves as individuals even when they are adults.

For the
younger children, start early.

Help your
children in their tasks, but more importantly, help them learn to
help themselves.

Give them
advice when they seek it, but don’t expect them to abide by all of
your wise counsel.

Teach them to
do something, and then stand back to watch them try and fail, try and
fail, and finally succeed at it.

Though their
first burst of opinions may surprise you in the beginning, remember,
they are growing up! They are individuals and they have their own
lives ahead of them. Parents will not be there forever. There will be
a time when they have to make their own decisions and trust
themselves to make a wise choice.

For the older
children, the concepts are somewhat similar. Just because they have
become adults does not necessarily mean that they have managed to
find magical solutions to every problem. There will still be problems
in their career, their finances, their marital life and their
parenting that will make them come to ‘Mommy’ and ‘Daddy’ for
solutions. What do you do for them?

They are old
enough to know right from wrong, and good from bad; but still they
are asking for your help. You cannot just say, “No! Find your own
solutions”. But you also don’t want to become 'Agony Aunt' every
time they face a dilemma.

What you can
do, is you can listen. Listen to them, try to understand, and when it
comes to finding the solution, ask instead: “What do you want to
do?” “What do you think needs to be done?” “How do you feel
this should end?” “Is there anything that you have in mind for
this trouble?”.

Sometimes, a
good question brings you halfway to the answer. To become an
individual person, they will need to know their own minds. They will
be surprised to see that they themselves had the answers, or could
work them out, but didn’t know how to start.

We are going
to look at the two aspects of individuation: independence and
separation.

Independence

The
concept of independence is not hard to understand, and oftentimes is
extremely enjoyable. When do our children really become independent?
When they are of age, and when they leave the nest to pursue their
own lives.

If
you have taught your children well, as a parent, you should have no
fear of your children’s independence. You should have faith in them
that they wouldn’t do anything reckless or careless.

As
for the adult child, freedom may finally mean being able to stay up
as long as they want to, staying out as late as they wish to, living
on junk food, or even not showering for days in a row. As obsolete as
they sound, these are the steps of rebellion and behavior through
which a person becomes an adult. These are the steps that a parent
often needs to not
comment on as the children work out for themselves how they want to
do things in life.

Separation

The
concept of separation too might be a little difficult for parents to
understand, as is the concept of ‘letting go’. Separation is a
slow stage when parents and children begin to understand that they
are not one person but two, and that they each have their own
opinions and decisions in life.

This
is actually a long process, starting from when a parent suddenly
knows that she/he doesn’t have to take the child to the supermarket
anymore, or that they are capable of staying home safely by
themselves. Or when the father can no longer lift his son on to his
shoulders but the boy can walk beside him and match his strides. Or
when parents do not have to read out loud and point to the pictures
in a book, the child has already learned to read.

All the years
of taking care of a child is actually a process of preparing them to
be an individual so that they are ready to face the world on their
own.

These are obviously the stages of individuation that
would ideally happen with your adult children. However, in situations
involving enabling by parents, this process is generally delayed or
even completely avoided by the adult child.

Chapter
5 – ‘It’s Not Cruel to Say No!’

Changing Your Thinking
(Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)

If,
whenever you say no to your child, you feel cruel, inadequate,
un-loving, or like you will do anything to keep the peace, then it's
time to change your thinking.

Let’s
look at how we can change this mind-set.

The
change has to start with you as you put up your boundaries and then
calmly continue to insist that they be respected.

In
chapter two we started looking at your deep programming, or
subconscious
beliefs, when
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) was introduced. Now we will look
at how this approach can help you challenge your beliefs and start
the process of change.

Change
happens as we challenge those disruptive deep, subconscious beliefs
that are wreaking havoc on our decision making process. You may not
even be aware that they are there.

These
deep subconscious
beliefs feed our
conscious beliefs.
Our conscious
beliefs feed our
self-talk;
what we say to ourselves, our internal monologue. For example, as
you pick up that chocolate bar you say to yourself: “I deserve
this”, or “one won’t really make a difference”. Or as you
walk into a job interview you’re saying “I’ve got this, I’m
ready”, or “they won’t like me; I never make a good first
impression”, or “what if I screw up, I can’t handle that”.

This
self-talk
directly creates your emotions.
You feel anxious, confident, insecure, or fearful, and it all comes
from what you say to yourself.

These
feelings then directly impact your behaviour.
Where do you look when you shake hands in a job interview? How does
your posture differ if you're feeling either insecure or confident?
Do you even GO to the job interview? Your self-talk
and consequent emotions
impact whether you go ahead and buy that chocolate bar.

The
basic CBT approach is:

Subconscious
beliefs feed our:

Conscious
beliefs, which feed our:

Self-Talk,
which create our:

Emotions,
which drive our:

Behaviour

So
if we can start to challenge some of those deeper beliefs it will
lead to a change in our behaviour; instead of trying to do it on a
behavioural level by will-power alone.

This
same process is the one that creates the feelings of guilt or cruelty
in the nightmarish cycle of enabling.

This
also explains why just trying to change things at the behavioural
level is generally a pointless mission. If those deep beliefs are
constantly surfacing and creating intense emotions, then what chance
can will-power alone have? You might last for a few weeks, even a
bit longer, but those deep beliefs will win out.

Will-power
definitely has its place, but it NEEDS to be backed up by a shift in
thinking. It needs to be backed up by you challenging those deep
beliefs, and CHANGING YOUR SELF-TALK. Once the deep beliefs are
identified and you have started to challenge them, then your
self-talk will change. As your self-talk changes, your emotions and
then your behaviour will also subsequently shift, and you will
gradually start the process of getting
your power back.

However
you need to have some very solid tools to enable you to challenge
these beliefs. These beliefs that are causing you to constantly
slide back into your old enabling ways will not just go quietly.
They have been your ‘old friends’, and they will kick up a fuss.
You will be uncomfortable. You will also have to be stubborn and hold
on as you bring in this new empowering phase in your life.

There
is a lot more information on CBT and the process of change out there,
but hopefully this book will give you a very practical and useful
introduction to it.

LIMBIC-LAG

This
section is a brief introduction to the brain and how it responds to
our attempts to change.

The
limbic system is a part of our nervous system. Our brain has two
parts: the limbic
and the neo-cortex.
The limbic system is our emotional brain. The neo-cortex relates to
our ability to reason, and obviously develops slowly as we grow up.
The neo-cortex deals with logic. Think about it, a new-born baby
doesn’t have the ability to reason, but they do start to develop
this over the first five years of their lives. The limbic system is
however working full-blast in a new-born baby.

The limbic system tags
experiences with emotions. As a baby/small child we 'tag' and
understand these experiences according to our emotional reaction to
them.

When
an experience is bad we avoid it, and when it's good we want more.
We make these 'tags' when we are too young to know better. Obviously
some of them are great, but I'm sure you can see how some un-helpful
connections could be made; for example, 'it's dangerous to say no'.
If you tagged a truly awful emotion to saying 'no' or placing
boundaries, then it makes sense that you will avoid doing this at all
costs later in life.

These
'tags' or conclusions can be re-trained and re-programmed through
life experiences. However we can also encourage this re-programming
process.

Changing
your mind, or deciding to do something differently, doesn't have
lasting effects if you don't combine it with re-programming your
limbic system.

Limbic
lag refers to the delay or ‘lag’ that there is as your brain
catches up to a new way of doing things. It WILL catch up. However,
this requires you to take over and teach it to catch up.

As
you go through this re-programming you are creating new neural
pathways.

A very practical example of this is
when you have to drive on the other side of the road. You travel
from England to France, or the USA to Australia, you rent a car, and
suddenly you are driving on the other side of the road! At least,
everyone else is, so you’d better be as well. Your logic knows
this. You’ve had the brief from the rental company, and have had
people teasing you about ‘driving on the wrong side’ for weeks.

It
is COMPLETELY CORRECT for you to be driving on the wrong side of the
road; in fact it would be very dangerous if you did otherwise.

Your
logic knows this and is convinced of this new reality, however you
limbic system hasn’t quite caught up. It’s not quite convinced
yet, and your mind needs to act as an over-ride (and stay on the
correct side of the road!) while your limbic system is taught a new
way of behaving.

The
first time you turn a corner, or go through an intersection your
limbic system is SCREAMING at your body to get back on the correct
side of the road. This is not just a little urge, this is a deep
instinctual NEED to get off the wrong side of the road, or you are in
danger.

The
same thing happens when we first challenge those troublesome deep
beliefs in life. It’s not just a little urge to ignore the new way
of thinking and maintain the status quo; it is a deep instinctual
need to keep the status quo to keep safe.

This
is why change is uncomfortable. You need to be fully convinced that
it is necessary for you to stop enabling your adult child in order to
have your mind over-ride your deep beliefs and limbic system. You
need to be FULLY convinced of how incredibly harmful it is for both
you and your adult child if things don’t change. Because it is
truly harmful; it is destructive to all of your relationships. As
they are constantly rescued from consequences you are stopping them
from becoming the responsible, contributing, full human they have the
capacity to be.

All
of this is why you need to be fully and completely convinced that
change is needed. When you are convinced, then your new mind-set can
challenge the old mind-set, and win. Just as you need to be FULLY
convinced that you must stay on the correct side of the road in that
new country. As you turn that corner and your limbic system is
telling you to get to the other side of the road, your mind NEEDS to
be ready and able to over-ride it. In this way it will keep you safe
as you continue on your new way of behaving.

Your
new behaviour is to drive on the other side of the road. As you
continue to do it, it slowly becomes more natural. Your brain
develops new pathways or ‘grooves’, and you no longer feel
un-safe on this new side of the road. In fact, it becomes normal.

This
is the same process we go through as we enact change in our lives.

SO
HOW DO WE DO THIS?

Various
authors, counselors and experts in the area of CBT, REBT and other
counseling methods have different names for the process of
challenging problem beliefs. To keep things simple we are going to
call them insights, or coaches.

Basically
these are simple and yet powerfully accurate things we say to
ourselves to create new pathways or ‘grooves’ in our brain. This
is not just ‘positive thinking’, or happy thoughts. These
coaches that we use will literally re-program your way of thinking.
They need to be both specific and accurate for them to work. When
those challenging situations occur you need to hold onto them like a
drowning person holds onto a life-saver. These insights need to be
in place before that phone call comes, or that visit happens. You
need to be fully convinced of every word in these new coaches, and
they need to be running through your head before you go into that
challenging situation.

You
know your adult daughter is coming over to ask you to co-sign for a
loan for her new house, and you KNOW that you have to say no. Or
your adult child again needs a babysitter for the weekend so they can
go out and party. You know it would be the worst thing for your
finances and/or your state of mind to say yes again. However, before
she arrives you need to have these new coaches playing in your head,
in order to challenge your old self-talk. As you dwell on these new
insights, and you know that they are replacing your harmful
subconscious beliefs, then new self-talk is created. It will be a
battle, especially the first few times. However as time goes on, it
will become more natural. As you regain your power through dignified
assertiveness, you will be able to stick to those boundaries. The
boundaries that your adult child used to knock over like a wall of
match-sticks.

Now,
when your adult son comes to you with another request to pay off his
fines, or your daughter expects you to bail her out of prison again,
you know what you will be repeating to yourself. You have something
to fall back on; you have your life-saver already in place so you
don’t start flailing and ‘drowning’. In the same way that
can’t learn to swim while you’re drowning, you can’t learn to
change your thinking while you’re in the middle of a situation that
is causing you all sorts of horrendous emotions and reactions that
you just want to avoid.

This
is why it’s so important to have this new programming in place
before you go into that situation or conversation.

Be
gentle on yourself; you won’t get it perfect immediately. If your
problem is that you feel cruel when you say no, then you have to
expect that you will still feel cruel. But it is crucial that you
realise that your
feelings are lying to you.
Not paying your adult child’s speeding fines that they have
accumulated themselves is NOT CRUEL. In fact you are rescuing them
from their consequences, and that is the worst thing for them.

That
feeling of cruelty is lying to you, and you need to use your new
mindset and life coaches to over-ride it.

BELOW
IS A LIST OF INSIGHTS
OR
COACHES
for
re-training your self-talk. Read through these and MEMORISE the ones
that really strike a chord with you. You may change a few key words
if that helps them really work for you.

Because most enabling parents are
‘rescuers’ by nature, they often get their worth or value from
feeling needed or being approved of. There is also a lot of guilt
that can happen as they consider putting on the brakes and no longer
enabling. Therefore some of these insights relate to where we get
approval from and the repercussions of guilt.

Repeat
after me:

I’m
not being cruel when I am saying ‘no’.

I
am not depriving them of anything; at least not of anything that they
really need.

Their
reaction and mood is their responsibility, not mine.

Just
because I’m feeling guilty doesn’t make me bad. It’s an old
feeling that was used to manipulate me. These new boundaries are
healthy and I’m proud of them.

My
feelings aren’t in charge of me.

My
feelings can be wrong – if they are mis-representing reality to me
then it’s okay to talk back to them.

My
emotions in this situation are lying to me, they are reflecting past
beliefs and conclusions that were wrong.

Their
over-reaction or rejection says more about them than it does about
me.

I
am a loving person, and it’s okay to put boundaries around my
compassion so it’s not taken advantage of.

I
choose to take my worth and value back into my hands, and will no
longer wait for it to be validated by others and their approval of
me.

I
have inherent value and worth as a human being, and I deserve to be
treated well and respected.

I
am trying my best as a parent and providing them with all that they
‘actually need’, and perhaps just passing on a few frivolities.

It’s
okay to leave my children to face the consequences of their own
actions. Consequences are great teachers.

By
setting boundaries I am protecting my empathy and stopping myself
from ‘burning out’ and becoming resentful. Therefore I am making
sure I can continue to be a helpful, loving person for years to come.

As a
parent, I am doing the best that I can for my children and I have
their best interests at heart.

Cruel,
mean or un-kind words will no longer control me or my reactions. I
own my generosity and it’s okay to set limits around it.

Enabling
won’t buy me love.

I have to
take care of myself. The more healthy and balanced I am, then the
more I will be able to help others from an attitude of generosity
rather than resentment.

I deserve
to be treated with respect.

If my
worth and value lies in others hands, then they can take it away at
any time.

Guilt
makes me emotionally weak, and makes me feel like I’m worthless.
This is not the truth. I’m a loving, empathetic person...and these
new boundaries are loving and empathetic. Guilt has no place here.

If I just
focus on feeling guilty then there’s no room in my life for
positive change.

I don’t
need to ‘do things for others’ to feel significant or valued. I
approve of myself, and I accept myself.

If they
can’t give me my value, then they can’t take it away from me.

Memorise
the insights that best apply to you. Tweak them to make them even
more specific to your situation, or simplify them if that is better
for you.

But
whatever you do...

MEMORISE
THEM!!!

If
you have simply read them, liked them, and got the general idea, then
that’s not a bad thing. But when you hit that challenging
situation you wont have anything solid to hold onto.

To
train new grooves in your brain you NEED to have a few of these
memorised and at your fingertips.

Learn
to Say ‘no’

Saying
‘no’ to some frivolities may bring on a sulking kid or a fit of
tears, but it is something that you are doing for their future.
Saying ‘no’ is not being cruel to them, rather it is teaching
your children their boundaries. It is teaching them that not
everything is attainable only by asking for it, or by throwing a
tantrum; you will have to wait to achieve something or work to get
it.

By
saying ‘no’, you are actually preparing them for the real world
outside their comfort zone where everyone will constantly be saying
‘no’.

“Can
I have two cakes this birthday, dad?”

“No,
baby. One is more than enough, and we’re going to have a great
birthday party.”

“Can
I have the money for the trainers, mom?”

“No,
son. Not until your old ones are used up properly.”

“I
need your red vintage dress, mom. Do I have to return it?”

“You
can borrow it. But please take care of it and yes, of course, I will
need it back. It’s my dress. And if I feel like it, I may give it
to you one day.”

“Can I get some help with my rent
and food this month? I will definitely pay you back.”

“No.
We’d love it if you come over for dinner as much as you want.
However regarding money, you still haven’t paid us back for any of
our previous loans. Until a repayment scheme is started we won’t
be loaning you any more money.”

See
how that works? You are saying no, but you are also saying why, and
putting boundaries around each situation. In this way you can also
start to teach your adult child how they can earn your trust back.

Change
your Thinking

Before
you advance to change your children, it is you who needs to change
your behavior. Yes, you!

I
know that as a parent, it can break your heart to deny your child
something, even if they are now an adult. But you cannot expect your
adult children to magically become independent and confident human
beings if you continue to enable them.

Change your
own behavior and stop planning your children’s lives for them. Stop
giving constant advice on how to lead their lives. Accept within
yourself that your children have grown up and that they have a life
and a mind of their own.

Chapter
6 – Practical Steps For Putting Your New Thinking and Boundaries
Into Action!

So, you are
worried that you may be enabling your growing child too much? Or, do
you have a grown up son or a daughter who is still behaving like a
child? Now that you are aware of the problem, it is time to do
something about it.

As the name
of the chapter suggests, I have compiled for you some practical steps
for putting your new ideas into action. Let’s go through them,
shall we?

Step#1: No
time like right now

Right
now
– this is the perfect time to start. Whether your children are in
their teens, and still behaving in an irresponsible and careless
manner, or whether they are old enough to start their own families,
if you feel like things have gone on too far, this is the right time
to start…

Or
stop! Stop enabling your adult child so that they start behaving like
the adult that they actually are. Stop all your pampering and your
coddling and begin to treat them like the grown-ups they are.

They
have grown up, they have hands and feet and a brain that works. Let
them earn their own living, let them wash and clean their own shirts,
let them clean their own room/house, let them cook their own dinner –
and if they can’t, well there’s always something open 24/7.

Instead
of doing everything for them that they are capable of doing for
themselves, just stop!

Step#2:
Stop making excuses

“But
he works so hard all day and earns almost nothing. How can I not help
him?”

“But
she doesn’t know how to cook; she has never cooked anything in her
life. I have to cook for her.”

“She’s
too young to make such a decision on her own.”

“There’s
no way he’s capable of living on his own. What would he eat? What
would he wear?”

“I’m
just helping him get through the week; it’s only until he gets a
new job.”

“She
just wants to take a break before she looks for a job... a long
break!”

“She
just broke up with someone serious. I need to look after her for some
time.”

“He’s
not an addict. He just drinks a few beers when he’s depressed. I
would have never supported him if he was an addict.”

“Of
course she doesn’t have a shopping disorder! She just likes fancy
clothes too much and can’t control herself sometimes.”

“She’s
not an alcoholic! Alcoholics are dirty, smelly and dumb, and don’t
have homes or jobs. She’s just a social drinker!”

Sounds familiar? No matter whether
the child is 30 or 80, parents are always making excuses for them.
Well, it’s time.

Stop
making excuses. Period.

There
are no ‘if’s or but’s’ about it. Your children are adults and
they should behave and act like adults. If they are not earning much,
that's okay, they can survive on that (as millions of other people
do), as they work their way up. Ask them to get cooking lessons, why
endlessly cook for them?

Step#3:
Stop fixing their lives

We
all have time when we get into trouble in life... and then we get
ourselves out of it. Most of the time it is we alone who have to face
the world and get our lives back on track. Of course, most of us have
people in our lives that will help us when we need it, but at the end
of the day we face the consequences for our actions and have to deal
with our issues ourselves. However this is how we learn, and this is
how we get the strength to move on in life.

If
every time your children get into trouble you intervene to fix the
problem, then they will miss out on this valuable lesson in life. So
your son broke someone’s window while playing? Send him to the
neighbor’s house to say sorry and let him figure out a way to pay
for the damage. Don’t apologize for him and don’t offer to pay
up; instead, send him to work off his debt if he cannot pay with his
pocket money.

Your
grownup son has recently developed a liking for expensive gadgets?
And now he’s maxed out his credit card? Oh, and his salary is gone
too? Too bad! But don’t worry, he’ll figure something out. He’ll
get a loan from his office, or work out a way to pay it off
gradually. He needs to be the one to solve this, not you! You didn’t
ask him to buy the new iPad, why should you pay his credit card
bills?

Step#4:
Let them make their own decisions

As
a parent, it certainly is your job to guide and advise them, but as
your children grow up, they should be allowed to make their own
decisions, and their own mistakes.

Whether
it is the decision of which college to apply for, or whether to take
a loan to buy a car, let them take the risks and evaluate the
options. Share your opinions and give your thoughts on the matter,
but don’t force it on them.

Parents
like to be in control. Raising a child from its first day in this
world gets parents into the habit of making every decision for them;
what they eat, what they wear, what they think and what they feel. It
is only natural. But when the child has grown up into an adult, it is
time to give the control of their lives over to them.

Watch
them make their own decisions. If they fail or make a mistake, pick
them up, set them straight, and then watch them have another go at
the problem.

Step#5:
Know the difference between ‘helping’ and ‘enabling’

There
is a difference between helping your child and enabling your child
that is easy to miss. Introducing your daughter to a friend who might
have a job for her is helping her; forcing your friend to give her a
job that she’s not capable of would be enabling her. Helping with
rent money for two months when your son is between jobs is helping;
continuously paying his expenses because your son can’t seem to
hold on to a job, or doesn’t bother looking for a job, is enabling
him.

You
should always help your child, of course; but it is not right that
you should continually rescue them, or be the ‘backup guy’ in
every situation.

Step#6:
Stop nitpicking

Nitpicking
is not a healthy approach to parenting. Avoid nitpicking at all costs
if you want to empower, not enable, your children. If you are
constantly finding faults with your children, they will grow up
knowing that they cannot do anything right. Constant nitpicking will
lower their self-esteem and confidence in venturing out into the big
wide world.

Stop
criticizing the state of your daughter’s kitchen. If she wants to
live like a pig, let her. Don’t harass your son constantly about
his next promotion or raise. When he is ready, he will reach that
goal too. Whatever your children are doing, and wherever they are in
their lives, should be enough for you to be proud of them.

Step#7:
Stop feeling guilty

Learn
to say no to all the “Mom, can you please do the laundry?” and
“Dad, I need to borrow a few dollars, I’m going out with my
friends”. And when the unexpected ‘no’ is followed by “But,
mom!” and “You’re my father, you have to take care of me!”,
stop feeling guilty about it.

This
is just your children’s technique to manipulate you into doing what
they need. If you are adamant on your decision not to help them on
jobs that they should be doing themselves, they will slowly get the
message.

Step#8:
Keep your lives separate

Your
adult children, whether they are living with you, or whether they are
constantly keeping you at their beck and call, need to come to terms
with the fact that you have a separate life from them. It is not your
only aim in life to be forever present when they need you. They need
to understand that you do not belong to them, and that you are not
their personal agony aunt, their personal housekeeper, or their
personal butler.

Your
children need to respect the fact that you have plans in your life
that are separate from them, and that you need privacy and space just
like any other normal person does.

Make
them understand that you have almost finished your obligation as
their parents; that they have grown up enough to lead their own
lives, leaving you to lead your own life. It is time that you go your
separate ways in life.

You
are going to the Opera with your partner this evening and you will
not change your plans when they call you out of the blue to baby-sit
for the children. Yes, you would love to see your grandchildren and
of course you would want to help them out, but they should have been
considerate enough to ask ahead of time without assuming that you
will put your entire life on hold for them. Let them know that you
can’t help because you have plans, but please to call ahead the
next time they need babysitting help, because YOU HAVE A LIFE TOO!

Step#9:
Be very strict about their finances

One
common way that we enable children is by helping them financially.
While it is perfectly okay to occasionally give them an expensive
present or help them out of a tough spot, these adult children learn
very quickly to manipulate their parents regarding money.

- Do
not pay off your children’s debts.

- Do
not lend them money if they fail to return it more than once.

- Do
not pay for mortgages or sign the co-mortgage for a house when you
know they will never be able to pay it off.

- God
forbid, if they end up in jail, do not bail them out repeatedly.

- Do
not pay for their drinks or for partying.

- Do
not help out with rent money when they are earning but still not
paying for rent and other necessities.

- Do
not pay for groceries/food, or invite them over constantly, because
they declare that they have no money to spend on food even though
they are employed. Chances are, they’re wasting their money on
something frivolous.

- Don’t
pay for maxed-out or overdrawn credit cards when it is apparent that
they are using the money for shopping and partying.

- Do
not lend them money if you suspect they may be using it to buy drugs
or alcohol.

In
other words, Mom and Dad must stop being the banks once children have
grown up. Do not end up being your son or your daughter’s backup
plan, or their ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ card.

“Lend
me some money, mom. I bought a new dress this month and now I am out
of cash. I’ll pay you back this time, I swear!”

“Can
you lend me a few bucks, dad? A couple of us guys are planning to go
hiking this month, and you know I give Mandy all my salary for the
groceries.”

“Help
me out this time, dad! I swear it was an accident. I wasn’t
drinking, and it was the other driver’s fault, trust me!”

Beware
of these situations. They’re an easy target for gullible parents to
become overly sympathetic.

Step#10:
Do not do their chores

Whether
your adult child is living with you in your home, or whether they
have separate accommodations nearby, you should definitely not be
doing their chores. If your grownup children have decided to live
with you, they should take part in the chores around the house and
look after themselves.

Do
not do their laundry, do not clean their rooms, require them to cook
dinner at least twice a week, and give them cleaning chores around
the house. If they are working, then ensure that they pay for board
or for groceries. By no means should you struggle to make ends meet
when your adult child is living with you, but not contributing to the
expenses.

Many
times parents step over the boundary and begin to enable. It is their
instinct and it’s in their nature to be protective of their
children and to shelter them from the rest of the world. But it is
when parents misjudge the fine line between helping
and enabling
that they put their children at the risk of not growing up.

Use
the insights in the previous chapter to re-train your thinking and
your self-talk. Memorise,
memorise, memorise!!

Repeatedly
read the list of boundaries in Chapter six, and use them create your
new boundaries.

Use your
fresh perspective to communicate your new stance with dignified
assertiveness.

Be calm,
strong, and hold to your new boundaries!!!

Remember,
you are still a loving, empathetic and helpful person.
By ‘sticking to your guns’, and enforcing these boundaries, you
are actually doing the most loving thing you can.

Believe that.
This is the most loving and caring action you can take, both for
yourself and for your adult child.

Conclusion

I
hope this book was able to help you feel in control of your life
again, as you challenge your mis-beliefs about enabling. I hope you
feel progressively more empowered as you use your healthy boundaries
to re-define your relationships. It will take time and consistency,
but be gentle on yourself when you make a mistake, and enjoy your
journey towards feeling the freedom of not rescuing any more!

The
next step is to consistently put your new boundaries and strategies
in place with dignified assertiveness. There are a lot of other
great resources out there that will also help. If you are interested
in the strategies of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, then there are
some great books that go into it in more depth that could be
beneficial.

Also,
use your support network! You probably have more people there ready
to support you than you realise. Family and friends can be our
greatest resource, and we often forget this as we think we need to
‘do it on our own’. Accept help from the people who love you as
you go on this journey.

Thank
you and good luck!

Melody
Devonish

References

Beck,
A. T. (1976). Cognitive Therapy and
the Emotional Disorders. The Penguin
Group. New York, United States.

Bourne,
E. J. PH.D. (2005). The Anxiety &
Phobia Workbook. Fourth Edition. New
Harbinger Publications, Inc. CA, United States

Edelman,
S. Phd. (2006). Change Your Thinking. Second Edition. ABC
Books, Australia

Froggatt,
W. (2003). Fearless. HarperCollins
Publishers, New Zealand

Willson,
R. & Branch, R. (2006) Cognitive
Behavioural Therapy for Dummies. John
Wiley & Sons Ltd. England

Verrier,
N. N. (2010). Coming Home To Self.
British Association for Adoption and Fostering. England

Websites:

http://destructivecycles.blogspot.co.nz/2009/10/reach-for-wise-mind.html

http://yorindawanner.com/making-changes-and-the-limbic-lag/